Episode 10: Who's your daddy?

Previously on Survive This Blog: you got shafted on a recap and thought you getting the shaft again. But I’m pulling out the ROD to recap this biznatch – so suck it all you naysayers. Or perhaps no one noticed and I’m wasting an hour of my life for nothing?

Previously on Survivor – the Villains were playing smart and JT made one of the stupidest moves in Survivor history. Oh my JT – you are hot, but thick as a batch of southern corn mash, I think. Skelator was voted out of the Villains tribe, and Sandra is left all alone. Makes sense she’d totally turn on her tribemates, non? I mean, you can TOTALLY see that one coming, right? Because just playing along with the madness in a merge would be DUMB-AS-HELL, right? Ah, fuckit…let’s just get this recap over with…

We open up the episode at land of the boring… er, I mean, the Heroes camp. They open tree mail and get a blatant merge announcement – apparently the Villains are moving in. (Because the Heroes have a plethora of bananas? Because Villains totally win out on the beach-side location factor, so am guessing Heroes have a slight edge on natural food survival?)

Over at Villains tribe they get the same tree mail and blah blah blah mergey-cakes. They walk on over to their new home with the key to the big chest of goodies the Heroes have.

At this point the song “I’ve got a brand new pair of rollerskates, you got a brand new key…” started running through my head. All glitzy and disco-y and full of wide-eyed excitement. The naivety on the Heroes side. The blatant fuck-you-in-the-ass intentions of the Villains. It’s all very poetic…

Oh and on the walk over they devise a plan on how to tell JT why Parvarti wasn’t gone, without getting busted. So they come up with the double-idol-play theory.

I’d love to walk you through all the deets, but it’s too tragic. Suffice to say, poor JT swallows Russell’s story hook line and sinker. Sandra finally gets Rupert alone and tells him the truth – and Rupert smartly actually believes her. Maybe it’s all the shady kids he works with on an everyday basis that gives him a bullshit-detector-nose? Whatever, he actually earned points with me on his astuteness when I had been ready to give up on his ass several weeks ago.

Oh, and Parvarti is all pissed that no one likes her. That everyone’s gunning for her. Whhhhyyyyy doesn’t anyone like me?  (Here’s a clue – because they know you’re good at the game – so they want you out) Oh – and then Parvarti eats a sacred banana. Ooooh – guess she didn’t know that this tribe will boot you faster than you can say James Clement if you eat a banana without permission.

Rupert brings his info re: shady Russell to JT and the gang. Everyone believe Rupert – um, except JT. But they all decide to “test” Russell by telling him they’re going to vote one way, then vote for someone else. So just in case he gives the idol to save that person, they’ll know. S-M-R-T.

Then Amanda goes and “friends-up” Parvarti like the dumb-ass follower that she is. (Why did previous seasons not make me as annoyed as some of these “All-Stars” – while Amanda is clearly super-hot-smoking-bod, she’s also dumber than a bag of nails – like mind-blowingly stupid, it’s irritating to watch).

So… immunity challenge – they have to stand on big poles with small footholds. Clearly positioned to let a female win, smaller feet definitely have an advantage. And shocker of all shocks, Colby is out first. What a wank.

Sandra drops out quickly too. As does Russell, Rupert and Amanda. JT tries hard, but his big ol’ country feet can’t handle it and he’s out. Candice, Parvarti, Danielle and Jerri are last standing. Jerri drops out while Parvarti hangs off her pole like she’s fucking Gene Kelly in Dancing in the Rain. Candice (who my money was riding on) makes the stupid decision to give up. I’d be so pissed if I was her tribemates, but no one seems to care that she throws in the towel. Parvarti and Danielle left – Danielle tells her that she wants to win it and Parvarti gives it to her. So Skanielle has immunity. Which (in the Heroes’ minds) leaves Parvarti wide open for the picking – but they decide to vote for someone else, because they assume she’ll use the idol, at the same time telling Russell that Parvarti is the one to go home.

Meanwhile Sandra is hanging with Jerri, and interviews that while she can’t stand Russell, she has to vote with her old tribe to stay alive. Which….. I don’t get. Why doesn’t she work harder to integrate herself with the other tribe? Clearly she’s last in the pecking order with the Villains. Why not try to make a move to change that? Or are these Heroes just THAT boring that no one wants to team up with them? I don’t get it – the editing didn’t give me any segue or reason as to why Sandra is all of a sudden pledging her allegiance.

ANYWAYS – back to Russell. And Parvarti. And Russell giving Parvarti his (JT’s) idol. Whilst not knowing that Parvarti has her own idol already. So he’s feeling all macho and protector-man about the whole thing, and she’s all schemey black-widow like, ohhhh yooouuuuu – of COURSE you’re giving me you’re idol. Now watch me make the biggest play EVAH.

Oh – and let’s not forget Amanda. Who scurries over to Parvarti all “please play the idol – you gotta play the idol – you’re in danger! Red alert! Red alert!” Except she bluffs about as well as I do at a friendly poker match. Hell, even my fucking cat looked up at me during her speech to Parvarti and said, “Dude – she’s a BAD liar.” MY. CAT.

So tribal council. Everyone talks about everyone, without saying anything. Jeff probes and tries to stir shit. But honestly it’s pretty boring. Some banana-gate chitchat. Oh, and Parvarti feels bad that no one talks to her because they all think she’s just a threat.  OMG who cares…

Time to vote. We actually get to see a tonne of votes – the Villains are all voting JT. The Heroes are all voting Jerri (because, as Candice says, she’s the least likely they’d give the idol to).

If anyone has the hidden immunity idol and wants to play, now would be the time to do so.

Parvarti stands up right on cue (and cut to all the smug Heroes’ nodding and thinking, yes, of course she is…) and gives an idol to Sandra. Sandra’s all – no way! For realzzzz? And then, enjoying all this camera times, Parvarti pulls out the 2nd idol (love Russell’s shocked and yet gleeful troll-face here) and hands it over to Jerri.

Oh, snap.

So she leaves herself wide open and protects the other 2 girlies in her tribe. Rendering all the Heroes’ votes useless. Which means one thing, right?

Buh-bye JT.

Poor JT – he actually looks shell-shocked here. Which I don’t blame. But dammit. He’s my secret boyfriend peeps. No one wants to realize their secret boyfriend is a dumbass cowpoke.

I’m sad. Admit it – you’re sad too. Brilliant move on Parvarti’s part (almost so brilliant it felt a little scripted to me – but let’s all live in the fantasy world that reality tv is real and so forget any snarkiness about the incredible foresight this move happened to take).

Now let’s see how Russell reacts to being out of the loop. Parvarti’s gonna have to turn up her flirt to full on shoulder massages or something to keep him pacified…

Pool Update 10

WOW - JT's departure swept through the pool like a Hurricane. Knocking off nearly 1 from every team. Including a ton of team leaders. With only 5 episodes left before the Finale, it's a tough decision if you name a new leader or not, but I think you still do it... Just choose one of the final 4!

Good luck:

Week 10 update file:

Pool Update 9

Put a lot more markings on the sheet this time, leader standings are much more up to date.

On of the bigger calls of the week was adding JT, Colby, Candice, Rupert & Amanda to the People with a pre-merge alliance, and sadly with them, I've included Russell, because even though he's not having any part of it, he could have. And most people had him.

Still some key people with some key moves to make, or not make.

http://corvision.ca/docs/S20HvVPoolw9.xls

Good Luck

PS TO recap this week... Courtney went home.

8th Pool Update

http://corvision.ca/docs/S20HvVPoolw8.xls

Episode 7 Recap: WAY LATE, Whatever

Survivor Week 7 Recap: Drop your.... expectations.

A great line delivered by Probst this week, but also a message from me to you regarding my recap. I’m on Recap this week, but I didn’t really feel like doing it so I didn’t. And now, trying to remember what it was all about 4 days later is tougher than I thought, so wish me luck. If you didn’t watch it... well, I don’t think you actually missed too much. Other than some of this seasons ‘lesser’ characters actually came to play Courtney, Sandra, Danielle & Candice really took charge this week with strategy and put their stamp on the game.

Last week Rob went home. Coach and Jerri are idiots, but it took until this week until they finally realized it for themselves. The Villains are in total disarray and only the merge can help. Blinded by this observation, they somehow read “Merge” in the tree mail, for the reward challenge and totally packed up their camp, tarp and all, and lugged it across the Island. Dumbasses. This is when Jeff realizing how dumb these people are played a little trick on them, and delivered in classic Jeff fashion the heartbreaking news, “Drop your... (Courney, Sandra, JT all yell with excitement) expectations” Wuh Wuuuh Waaaaaah. The Heroes also come to the realization that Tyson then Rob going home means the Villains have an all girl alliance, oh dear, why do I think this works out for Russell EVEN BETTER.

Anyway, it’s Survivor Bowling. And what better way to celebrate a Bowling win with Pop and Pizza. Really? Is it me or is every reward challenge like a 3^rd graders Birthday Party. Bowling, Pizza and Pop? Obstacle course & chocolate? Swimming and Picnic... Really? Stay tuned for next weeks pin the tail on the donkey competition with the winner getting cake and ice cream!

To sum up, Coach really wants to win the Pizza party, and nominates Courtney and Sandra to sit this out, fielding their “A” squad for the Pizza party rather than the immunity challenge. Oh Coach...

Amanda lays down her best Roy Munson impression, and leads the Heroes to yet another win. They’re rolling, villains are reeling. And now the Villains have to rebuild their entire camp.Ha.

Stuff happens, can’t really remember what, but really, it can’t be that good.

Off to the immunity Challenge where it’s a muddy obstacle course, best 2 out of 3 and 1 of the 3 for the Villains involves Courtney. Nuff said. She’s more useless than:

a) Tit’s on a nun

b) 1 Legged Man at an ass kicking contest

c) A Screen door on a submarine

d) Inflatable dart board

e) All of the above

E! The Villains lose. Looks like Coaches “B” Squad couldn’t get the job done.

Oh I remember what happened above now, JT found the immunity idol by himself but got busted with his hand in the cookie jar, so had to tell the whole Heroes tribe he has it, and that he’s going to give it to Russell. Seems about right.

Another quiz! The logical choice to go home at Tribal:

a) Courtney

b) Courtney

c) Courtney

d) Courtney

e) All of the above.

But we’ve all watched Survivor before, that’s not gonna happen. Sandra realizing she could use Courntney going forward comes up with the brilliant plan of telling King Russell Coach wants him gone, thus Russell focuses on Coach, ignoring Courntney's ineptitude at this game, ignoring Danielle’s logical thought processes, and Coach goes home (well, to the giant trailers they have set up for all the castaways that make the Jury anyway).

This will REALLY sell the all girl alliance that doesn't exist, and in the preview for next week, all the dumb ass moves of the past are shown, some classics, with the threat they could be topped. And if the Heroes give the immunity necklace to Russell, I will be in total shock. WOW. I expect merge next week. But maybe I too will be played a fool.

Pool Update: Week 7 - Another disastrous week

http://corvision.ca/docs/S20HvVPoolw7.xls

Episode 6 Recap: All hail the king...

Previously on Survivor: Mark Burnett set up a double elimination week to make sure the Villains had to lose a member just to get the drama flowing. Oh and it did – Tyson surprised himself by essentially voting himself out while the BostonRob / Russell war finally got some legs and got started. And then, while the Villains ate hotdogs and watched on, the Heroes tribe booted James. Now 5 Heroes remain against 8 Villains – who’ll be voted out tonight?

Well, since this recap is about 3 days late (Easter long weekend – suck it my peeps), I’m sure you’re all aware who gets voted out. But let’s pretend we don’t and I’ll recap it all suspenseful-like and shit, ‘kay? 


Back at the Villains’ tribe, BostonRob is reeling from his BFF getting voted out.

“….for the foist time in all [3 seasons] those times, I was shocked [at tribal council] last night. I completely don’t know what happened. But the more and more I think about it, somethin’ doesn’t feel right.”

Poor BostonRob – he genuinely looks shell-shocked here. And a little bit sad. Awwww…… I want to rub his back and make him feel better.

And while he commiserates with his alliance, Pavarti and Russell and Skankielle chit chat and giggle and celebrate about their coup. Which of course irritates BostonRob, because how dare they celebrate one of the biggest moves Survivor has ever seen? But it also foreshadows makes BostonRob start to wonder about the loyalty of the other peeps in his alliance.

Meanwhile over at the Heroes’ tribe…oh wait. We’re still at the Villains – because they’re the only interesting people on this show right now - a.k.a. the Heroes are mind-numbingly boring for even the editors to piece together some watchable minutes.

Sooooo Jerry reminds us all a little bit about why she got picked for the Villains tribe (and why she has zero friends in RL) and sidles her bony ass up to Russell to see wha’ happened…

And within 3 minutes of dialogue he has played his jedi-mind-tricks on her and she’s eating out of his hand like a tame little goat at a petting zoo. Baaa Jerri. Baaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Meanwhile, over at the Heroes’ tribe… everyone is cold and whiny and sad they lost James. Even Colby seems morose. Or maybe that’s because he’s feeling all the pressure to actually DO SOMETHING. Um, yeah.

Today’s reward challenge is like tackle-water-polo. Nice and physical – setting this one up nicely for the Heroes to win – thanks Mark!

I won’t keep you in suspense – the Villians suck balls at this challenge. Oh and Colby “redeems” himself and actually DOES SOMETHING for once. Oh and Candice continues to be my current favourite girl-crush. Because she rocks it. And she schools Coach one-on-one more than a few times.

The Heroes get to have a big feast of yummy food – not fried chicken and hotdogs for once, it actually looks like a spread that won’t make their starving insides explode. Oh and there’s another hidden immunity idol at their beach – and they decide to find it “as a tribe” this time. Because they’re all unified and shit. They lurrrrve each other. And they’re a strong team. And blahblahblah…

Back at the Villians tribe Jerri and Russell approach Coach for their new “alliance”. And Coach is hurt that Jerri didn’t talk to him about it before. And it he wants to play an honour-bound game…and doesn’t trust Russell…and did trust Jerri and wants to trust BosonRob…. And omg, I don’t know if I can recap this conversation without throwing up. Jerri finally gets annoyed with Coach's pontification and is just like, “well dude that’s my decision – so either you’re with us or you’re not”. Whatever – I stopped caring 3 words into this conversation.

Thankfully we’re saved by the immunity challenge – it’s a net race with a puzzle at the end. Set up well to let BostonRob lead his team to victory, right? Riiiiiiiiight??? 

Everyone does fairly well at climbing the rope ladder and navigating the net. Well, except for Courtney – she’s a nightmare as usual. Heroes get started on their puzzle first. But that should matter, because BostonRob is the super-puzzle-master, right? Riiiiiight??? 

Yeah – they get their asses handed to them by JT and Amanda. And the Villians are on their way to tribal tonight. And you can see as Jeff announces the victory, you can see on Rob’s face that he is f.u.c.k.e.d. With a capital F.

Back at the Villains tribe, Russell and BostonRob have one of the best conversations EVAH.

Rob asks Russell what he thinks they should do – Russell responds, “I think we need to weed off the weak”.

BostonRob asks who he suggests.

And Russell responds, “One of these” and gestures to Courtney and Sandra, who are SITTING RIGHT THERE.

It’s fantastic. So fantastic that I had to rewind and watch this a few times just to laugh a little more. BostonRob’s reaction is also amused disbelief laughter. Like, dude, did you just say that?

Anyways – Russell is playing the cocky, “this is what we gotta do” card. And just like last season, everyone is falling in line. Well, except BostonRob, who of course doesn’t want to split up his remaining alliance. Even Coach is gunning for him to boot Courtney. To which BostonRob tries to pull a page out of Russell’s book and jedi-mind-trick him into doing what he wants on the basis of “honour” and “loyalty”. So Coach agrees to vote out Russell and even fist-bumps BostonRob on solidifying his “word”. 

And then walks over to Russell’s little harem of the “dumb girl alliance” where Jerri is practically worshipping at his feet and Skankielle is not far behind.

Is it just me? Does anyone else get the heebeejeebies when they see Russell sitting like a little toad-king amongst his girls? Because, while it’s awe-inspiring how people don’t see through his shit, it’s also awe-inspiring how all these girls will just sit and agree to everything he says. 


So Coach feeds into Russell’s ego (oh and plays SO HONOURABLY btw) by telling him that he respects that he’s not gunning for BostonRob and really truly seems to want to make the right decision to keep the tribe strong (aka voting off Courtney or Sandra). And Coach respects that. Because as an honourable man, he sees the honour in what Russell is doing. Even though, he should know, BostonRob is totally trying to vote off your toady little ass.

To which Russell responds, in his cunning little way, yeah – exactly – I should vote him off, but I want to keep the tribe strong. And then Skankielle and Jerri start piping up that they should get rid of BostonRob, all hail toad-king Russell.

And so it is written. And so it shall be done. 


Coach doesn’t like it. But he’s given his word. (His word to Russell – not the word he gave to BostonRob – that doesn’t count anymore-sies – because Russell licked-it-sticked-it-stamped-it, ‘kay?). So Coach doesn’t have a choice. He’s backed into a corner. Don’t you feel bad for him? Because he’s so HONOURABLE. And this is KILLING him….

At tribal Jeff tries to pull out the drama – there’s more bickering between BostonRob and Russell – alpha dogs trying to one-up one another.

Let’s not delay the suspense any longer – 3 votes for Russell. 1 vote for Courtney. And 4 votes for BostonRob.

One last fun part? Coach tries to hug him on the way out and Boston Rob sidesteps him and calls him a “little man”. It visibly crushes Coach. Heh.

Next week on Survivor: The Villians tribe hates each other. The “alliances” breakdown. I smell merge—week…