Episode 10: Who's your daddy?

Previously on Survive This Blog: you got shafted on a recap and thought you getting the shaft again. But I’m pulling out the ROD to recap this biznatch – so suck it all you naysayers. Or perhaps no one noticed and I’m wasting an hour of my life for nothing?

Previously on Survivor – the Villains were playing smart and JT made one of the stupidest moves in Survivor history. Oh my JT – you are hot, but thick as a batch of southern corn mash, I think. Skelator was voted out of the Villains tribe, and Sandra is left all alone. Makes sense she’d totally turn on her tribemates, non? I mean, you can TOTALLY see that one coming, right? Because just playing along with the madness in a merge would be DUMB-AS-HELL, right? Ah, fuckit…let’s just get this recap over with…

We open up the episode at land of the boring… er, I mean, the Heroes camp. They open tree mail and get a blatant merge announcement – apparently the Villains are moving in. (Because the Heroes have a plethora of bananas? Because Villains totally win out on the beach-side location factor, so am guessing Heroes have a slight edge on natural food survival?)

Over at Villains tribe they get the same tree mail and blah blah blah mergey-cakes. They walk on over to their new home with the key to the big chest of goodies the Heroes have.

At this point the song “I’ve got a brand new pair of rollerskates, you got a brand new key…” started running through my head. All glitzy and disco-y and full of wide-eyed excitement. The naivety on the Heroes side. The blatant fuck-you-in-the-ass intentions of the Villains. It’s all very poetic…

Oh and on the walk over they devise a plan on how to tell JT why Parvarti wasn’t gone, without getting busted. So they come up with the double-idol-play theory.

I’d love to walk you through all the deets, but it’s too tragic. Suffice to say, poor JT swallows Russell’s story hook line and sinker. Sandra finally gets Rupert alone and tells him the truth – and Rupert smartly actually believes her. Maybe it’s all the shady kids he works with on an everyday basis that gives him a bullshit-detector-nose? Whatever, he actually earned points with me on his astuteness when I had been ready to give up on his ass several weeks ago.

Oh, and Parvarti is all pissed that no one likes her. That everyone’s gunning for her. Whhhhyyyyy doesn’t anyone like me?  (Here’s a clue – because they know you’re good at the game – so they want you out) Oh – and then Parvarti eats a sacred banana. Ooooh – guess she didn’t know that this tribe will boot you faster than you can say James Clement if you eat a banana without permission.

Rupert brings his info re: shady Russell to JT and the gang. Everyone believe Rupert – um, except JT. But they all decide to “test” Russell by telling him they’re going to vote one way, then vote for someone else. So just in case he gives the idol to save that person, they’ll know. S-M-R-T.

Then Amanda goes and “friends-up” Parvarti like the dumb-ass follower that she is. (Why did previous seasons not make me as annoyed as some of these “All-Stars” – while Amanda is clearly super-hot-smoking-bod, she’s also dumber than a bag of nails – like mind-blowingly stupid, it’s irritating to watch).

So… immunity challenge – they have to stand on big poles with small footholds. Clearly positioned to let a female win, smaller feet definitely have an advantage. And shocker of all shocks, Colby is out first. What a wank.

Sandra drops out quickly too. As does Russell, Rupert and Amanda. JT tries hard, but his big ol’ country feet can’t handle it and he’s out. Candice, Parvarti, Danielle and Jerri are last standing. Jerri drops out while Parvarti hangs off her pole like she’s fucking Gene Kelly in Dancing in the Rain. Candice (who my money was riding on) makes the stupid decision to give up. I’d be so pissed if I was her tribemates, but no one seems to care that she throws in the towel. Parvarti and Danielle left – Danielle tells her that she wants to win it and Parvarti gives it to her. So Skanielle has immunity. Which (in the Heroes’ minds) leaves Parvarti wide open for the picking – but they decide to vote for someone else, because they assume she’ll use the idol, at the same time telling Russell that Parvarti is the one to go home.

Meanwhile Sandra is hanging with Jerri, and interviews that while she can’t stand Russell, she has to vote with her old tribe to stay alive. Which….. I don’t get. Why doesn’t she work harder to integrate herself with the other tribe? Clearly she’s last in the pecking order with the Villains. Why not try to make a move to change that? Or are these Heroes just THAT boring that no one wants to team up with them? I don’t get it – the editing didn’t give me any segue or reason as to why Sandra is all of a sudden pledging her allegiance.

ANYWAYS – back to Russell. And Parvarti. And Russell giving Parvarti his (JT’s) idol. Whilst not knowing that Parvarti has her own idol already. So he’s feeling all macho and protector-man about the whole thing, and she’s all schemey black-widow like, ohhhh yooouuuuu – of COURSE you’re giving me you’re idol. Now watch me make the biggest play EVAH.

Oh – and let’s not forget Amanda. Who scurries over to Parvarti all “please play the idol – you gotta play the idol – you’re in danger! Red alert! Red alert!” Except she bluffs about as well as I do at a friendly poker match. Hell, even my fucking cat looked up at me during her speech to Parvarti and said, “Dude – she’s a BAD liar.” MY. CAT.

So tribal council. Everyone talks about everyone, without saying anything. Jeff probes and tries to stir shit. But honestly it’s pretty boring. Some banana-gate chitchat. Oh, and Parvarti feels bad that no one talks to her because they all think she’s just a threat.  OMG who cares…

Time to vote. We actually get to see a tonne of votes – the Villains are all voting JT. The Heroes are all voting Jerri (because, as Candice says, she’s the least likely they’d give the idol to).

If anyone has the hidden immunity idol and wants to play, now would be the time to do so.

Parvarti stands up right on cue (and cut to all the smug Heroes’ nodding and thinking, yes, of course she is…) and gives an idol to Sandra. Sandra’s all – no way! For realzzzz? And then, enjoying all this camera times, Parvarti pulls out the 2nd idol (love Russell’s shocked and yet gleeful troll-face here) and hands it over to Jerri.

Oh, snap.

So she leaves herself wide open and protects the other 2 girlies in her tribe. Rendering all the Heroes’ votes useless. Which means one thing, right?

Buh-bye JT.

Poor JT – he actually looks shell-shocked here. Which I don’t blame. But dammit. He’s my secret boyfriend peeps. No one wants to realize their secret boyfriend is a dumbass cowpoke.

I’m sad. Admit it – you’re sad too. Brilliant move on Parvarti’s part (almost so brilliant it felt a little scripted to me – but let’s all live in the fantasy world that reality tv is real and so forget any snarkiness about the incredible foresight this move happened to take).

Now let’s see how Russell reacts to being out of the loop. Parvarti’s gonna have to turn up her flirt to full on shoulder massages or something to keep him pacified…