OH!, THE HORROR! Double Elim week of 2 of the most popular survivor picks to date. Wow. Lots of red X's on this spreadsheet now. If you notice an error let me know. I expect some changes this week, remember the rules, or review them below regarding changes, before submitting your changes. Good luck.
Previously on Survivor: a bunch of stuff happened, but we’re only going to point out the stuff that’s important for you to know if there’s any chance that you’ll fall for our contrived drama tonight. Rob and Russell are at war, but Parvatti’s is REALLY annoying. James is trying to survive on a leg and a prayer, and Colby has an obvious bull’s-eye on his out-out-shape ass, but no one trusts Candice and she’s not nearly hot enough to keep around for eye candy. 15 are left, who will be voted out tonight?
And incase the recap didn’t put a fine enough point on the situation, the episode starts off by providing us some insight into the drama at each camp. Amanda’s claws are out for Candice, since she know – oh she KNOWS - that Candice was gunning for James, and that she only voted for Tom since she knew which way the wind was blowing. Ya, what was she thinking, focusing on how to make the tribe stronger and trying to convince people to vote off the one tribemate that Terry Fox could beat in a foot race. Clearly Candice needs to be punished for her stupidity.
Meanwhile, over at Villains Beach, Russell and Rob sit down for a moonlight tete-a-tete. Either that, or they’re rehearsing lines for the Survivor Beachside Theatre rendition of Heat starring Al Pacino and Robert De Niro. You watch your back. No you watch YOUR back. No YOU watch your BACK. How about you both go to fucking bed already...
All this excitement before the intro-credits even roll. I think I might pee myself.
We’re not wasting time tonight, as it’s straight to the challenge ,which mildly retarded Colby is still suspicious might be for a donkey punch and a bag of Twizzlers. Actually, maybe Colby is right to be confused since this challenge is for both immunity AND reward. And if that’s not enough to twist your licorice, it’s actually individual immunity, and team reward. I think. I’m fucking confused. Look, both tribes are going to tribal council, both are voting someone off, two people get immunity, and somebody gets to eat hotdogs.
It’s another Mark Burnett throw-back challenge: I believe this one is called the “There’s-so-much-drama-on-your-tribe-and -we-really-want-you -to-go-to-tribal-council-but-you’re-just-too-strong-and-we’re-tired-of-waiting-for-you-to-lose-a-challenge-so-we’ve-invented -a-new-challenge -to-make-both-tribes-go-to-tribal-council” challenge. You know the one – ropes, more bamboo scaffolding than a Chinese construction site, and Jeff Probst’s manufactured commentary designed to make you think it’s really close and dramatic.
The Heroes start us off and predictably Colby sucks, Rupert sucks, Amanda’s bathing suit is falling off, and JT is out to an early lead. But surprisingly, peg-leg-James is still in the running, and Candice is showing she’s climbed a fence or two before while attached to a rope. Candice wins immunity, and the rest of the tribe all fight back the urge to point at Colby and crack out the ol’ Nelson Munz “Ha ha!”
The Villains are up next, and it’s a tight race between Rob and Tyson. And Russell – ya right, Russell is right there, almost winning. Sure he is. In fact, everyone is right in this except Sandra, who looks like she couldn’t climb over a sawhorse for a thousand bucks. In the end, it’s all Rob – and he wins individual immunity.
And it case they weren’t bruised enough, Candice and Boston Rob battle it out for the hotdog buffet. And because I’m at close to 1,000 words already, half of you have probably stopped reading, and there’s still a lot of drama to recap – I’ll just cut to the chase and tell you Rob wins.
At Villains beach, Boston Rob is calling the shots and he’s devised a devious little plan to vote for Parvatti but head-fake Russell to flush out the idol. Everyone is one board with the plan, even Coach who plans to keep his word and vote with integrity. Because apparently integrity means doing exactly what you swore you would do most recently, with all subsequent swearings fully negating any and all commitments which may or may not have previously been made. Is this guy a soccer coach or a lawyer? Rob takes another chance to needle Russell, who’s on to their plan. And he’s devised a little plan of his own – to give Parvati the immunity idol, and vote for Tyson. This could get interested.
Back at Hero Beach, Colby has come to terms with the fact that he’s the next to go – and he’d like everyone to just chill out and have a nice relaxing day. No need for strategizing, everyone just vote for tired ol’ Colby. Great then, I guess we can just skip right to tribal council then, right? Right Mark Burnett? Nothing to see here... Ah fuck, they’re still going to try to dig up some drama. Seems everyone might be having second thoughts, and maybe James should go home since he’s a dirty banana stealing gimp. But James isn’t going to limp to the finish without a fight, so he’s taking a page out of Forrest Gump’s diary and run-run-run-ing for his life. Will it be enough to convince the Heroes he’s strong enough to stay?
While the Heroes are playing Special Olympics, Boston Rob is talking advanced strategy with the Villains. Seems he’s been playing a little “What would I do if I were Russell” game, and may have figured out the oil-man’s little plan. So the new plan is to split the vote, between Russell and Parvati – forcing a tie and a revote. But wait, Russell already thought that they might know that he knows that they know he knows that they know, so he’s got a plan G – sacrifice Parvati to save your own ass. But that could make Tyson flip his vote to Parvati as well, putting the original plan back in play. Damn, this is gonna be good...
Tribal council round 1 is finally here, and after some Probst probing, we’re quickly to the vote. The voting is flashes of Parvati, Tyson, and Russell ‘s names on ballots – and after one last chance to play the Immunity idol it’s
Sorry, just had to sneak that advertisement in there while I had your attention. Wasn’t that suspenseful?
And Russell playing the immunity idol! But wait, he’s giving it to Parvati!! Holy shit this guy’s got balls! First vote Russell. Russell. Parvati. Parvati. Parvati. Parvati. Tyson. Tyson. Tyson! Wow. I’m just shocked. That was hands down the best Survivor strategy I’ve ever seen. EVER. I can’t believe I ever doubted this show. I swear I will never ever again be sarcastic about...
Oh wait, there’s another tribal council!
More questions from Jeff, more shots of Colby looking confused and Amanda looking like she’s sitting on a pine cone, and words of wisdom from James. And while the Villains gorge themselves on Oscar Meyer’s finest, the Heroes begin voting. No ballot flashing tonight, and no witty comments – which is usually a sign this vote is about to be a landslide. Predictably, it is landslide – but surprisingly Colby is staying, and James is sent hobbling off to rehab. Or the bar, apparently. And I’m shocked again. Seriously, I’ll never ever again speak another cyncial word about...
Wait, did Boston Rob seriously just compare Russell to a suicide bomber?
Previously on Survivor: Villains dominate. Tom finds Idol. Tom Plays Idol. Cerie goes home.
Back at Heroes camp JT is the Heroes Hero. He stood up for what is right and just in the world. He wants to make his tribe stronger, and he voted out the weakest link. Good-bye. It’s nice to know that alliances aside people are willing to vote out the reason you’re getting your ass kicked. They’ll stand by that strategy going forward right...?
Over at the Villains camp Coach Crazy has not only continued his public display of Dragon-Slayer-Chi, but has the entire camp involved; the entire camp that is except for Russell. Russell has opted out of the group activity section of the day, and has gone in search of the Hidden Immunity Idol. Which really, should now just be called the “Russell”. “Psst... I found it, I’ve got the ‘Russell’...””If anyone has the ‘Russell’, and would like to play it...” it works.Anyway, while everyone is still playing Coaches yoga for psychos, Russell finds the ‘hidden immunity ‘Russell”. Shocker!
Time for the reward challenge, it’s basically tackle basketball played with a football, with a dodge ball start and a Hail Mary finish played in the mud. The game needs some tweaks but is pretty much amazing and I’m already looking for a local league, who’s in?
Oh I forgot to mention, in grand who gives a flying-fuck fashion, the winner of this challenge gets a couple snickers bars, some M&Ms and an emergency trip to the Dentist.
We’re off... and it’s clear that James has played Baskefodgemudmaryball before. He’s dominating! Finally a much needed win for the Heroes! Go James Go, nothing could possebly go wrong (Simpsons Joke). James is down. Torn MCL, ACL, LCL, FJL, LDL... one of his knee ligaments is fudged! This guy is the survivor equivalent of Vince Carter. Amazing for the 5 seconds they’re actually on the field before getting hurt. So the Heroes now must finish the game a man short, and while its close, and JT totally suplexes Coach (awesome), and Rupert absolutely turnbuckles Jerri into a wood post, the Villains pull it out and are awarded the golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.
Pretty much the only eventful thing that happens while on the reward challenge is Russell tells both Parvati and Coach that he has the Russell. Coach is so fucking hard headed stupid, that he’s now bowing to Russell in full allegiance, ignoring his original alliance, and perhaps only friend, Rob. Not how I would have played it. The Alpha Male competition between Russ and Rob is heating up, and should be exciting.
The Immunity challenge is the one from previous seasons where everyone busts their shins to shit. Everyone but the “caller” is blindfolded searching a field for giant puzzle pieces. This is right up the Heroes alley actually, this is in the bag, finally a win. Then Jeff throws in the twist. Once the pieces are collected, you have to actually assemble the puzzle. Ahhhhh fuck.
Heroes have huge lead. Heroes blow huge lead. Villains assemble puzzle faster and win immunity. Gee, haven’t seen this before. The Heroes are off to Tribal yet again, losing 4 of the first 5 Immunity Challenges, and basically all of the other challenges as well. “Heroes”? More like “Shitties”!
JT Has the same decision to make he did last time. Vote with Tom & Colby to strengthen the tribe or vote with his original alliance and keep James, and pray the next immunity challenge is a puzzleless arm-wrestling competition.... to my disbelief and shock, he voted off Tom. Sorry Tom you sexy grizzly old bastard, you’re one of the best actual Survivors to play the game, and probably deserved a better fate, and a better tribe this time around.
Next week... Boston Rob to Russell “You better watch your back”, Russell to Boston Rob “No. No. No. YOU better watch YOUR back”. Ah good times.
Previously on Survivor… the Heroes tribe sucked complete ass so Mark Burnett decided to create a challenge that could guarantee them a win. Yay Heroes! On the Villains tribe, Russell hid a machete to fuck with his tribemates’ heads. Except it didn’t work, because everyone was too busy licking BostonRob’s balls to really care. Oh – and Sandra thinks Coach is a douchebag, but Randy is even more of one, and he’s the first Villain to get his walking papers. 17 people are left, who will be voted out tonight?
Enter après-tribal-council meltdown. Coach is upset that Sandra doesn’t like him. That he got called out at tribal council for being a douche. And then douchily goes one to explain to Tyson how “There has never been a player like me in this game and there will never be another player like me. I do noble things out here and I look ignoble.”
Poor Tyson – he looks like he’d rather kill himself than be in this conversation. He tries to make Coach feel better. There’s a lot of “dude” talk. And then Coach cries. And Tyson hugs him. Sincerely hugs him, to make him feel better. And then I go and stab myself in the eye because somehow Dr. Phil has taken over my TV and I just want my Survivor back.
And also? Sidebar to Coach? You’re on the VILLAINS tribe. People DON’T think you are a noble, worthy, or uncompromising. But the irony is that YOU think you are. And therefore, it is your DELUSIONAL mindset that has you on this little misfit tribe of people who are clearly far smarter than you could ever imagine yourself to be. What’s that you say? You’re a dragonslayer? *pats Coach on the head* Sure you are buddy. You go slay those magical dragons…
Back in reality, Tyson tells Coach he will try to “coach” him through his delusions. But he may not like what he hears. Coach is all, “Tell me tell me!” And then Tyson says the awesome words that still make me giggle as I recap it for you, “Don’t wear feathers in your hair at tribal. Don’t tell your stories, people don’t believe your stories…there’s no reason to tell them. And do your Tai Chi in private where nobody can see you.”
Of course, this is possibly the best advice anyone has, or ever could, give Coach, but because it is a little sliver of hard reality, Coach knocks it back – nope, can’t do it – it’s not me. Maybe I’ll quit. Anything is a better solution than actually taking Tyson’s advice and acting like a sane human being. ANYTHING!
The next day, Tyson actually does try to explain to everyone that Coach’s feelings were hurt and he’s sad and blahblahblah Dr.-Phil-cakes. BostonRob of course decides to try and defuse the situation by going to Coach and telling him to stop being such a douche and “act like a man”.
Over on the Heroes tribe they get treemail and it’s a Sears catalogue “Choose Your Own Reward” challenge. (Wonder how much Sears paid for this product placement). Heroes choose to play for fishing equipment + kitchen set; Villains choose to play for a tool kit and tarp to build a shelter. The challenge consists of everyone lubing up to slip ‘n slide, grab a ball and try to throw it in a net. I know my male cohorts would probably have recapped this differently – but instead I will try to paint you a picture of James covered in body lube. It is… delicious. It is shiny, and hard, and omgsnarfdroolblaragh…. Okay I’m back – James is just HOTTTT. There. That’s all you need to know. (And yes, I looked for a still pic of James all lubed up and ready to slip n’ slide his way into my fantasies – I couldn’t find one)
To recap the challenge – Villains go up to an early lead of 3:1, then lose momentum and Heroes come back to tie it up. It all comes down to Tyson + Colby. As usual, Colby sucks the bag and Tyson wins the challenge for the Villains team.
Villains head back to their tribe and unpack their winnings, where Russell mistakenly pulls out an individual immunity idol clue that was hidden in the handsaw. The entire tribe agrees not to look for the idol, because it would “mark” whoever finds it. Well, entire tribe agrees except for Russell. He’s all “IMMA FIND MA IMMUNITY IDOL!” So he takes off, while everyone else is building the shelter, and in doing so, he’s the biggest heat score since me at 16 trying to sneak a bottle of vodka into the school dance. Oh, and he doesn’t find the idol. But he does succeed in making everyone in his tribe think he’s a total untrustable douche.
Over at the Heroes tribe they’re making their morning coffee and another CONVENIENTLY hidden immunity idol clue gets found again, in front of the ENTIRE TRIBE. (Seriously Mark Burnett – maybe you should just start skywriting the immunity clues if they’re going to be kept this secretly secret).
Hilariously – the Heroes are all about trying to find the idol. For themselves. Not as a tribe, not as an alliance. And hahaha irony-cakes, the Heroes are acting like self-absorbed villains and the Villains are acting like heroes. Or idiots. You take your pick.
Tom continues his reign of being the most awesome Survivor evah, and finds the idol and let’s Amanda see him do it, so they all know he’s got some leverage. The SilverFox then goes and tells his Tonto, I mean Colby, that he found the idol and hopefully it’s a glimmer of hope for them. We’ll see – but I expect Tom will figure out how to use the idol to his advantage. Let’s hope.
Immunity challenge – it’s the challenge where black Russell passed out and almost died last season! Woot! So here’s the gist, some blindfolded guys have to roll some human gerbil balls to a ball maze tilty-thing, where the gerbils have to guide more blindfolded tribe members through getting the ball through the maze into the hole at the other end.
BostonRob and SilverFox are the gerbils that get to boss everyone around. They both do a great job, and the challenge is pretty even, but BostonRob is slightly bossier and Villains win again.
Now we’re back at Heroes beach and it’s scramble time for everyone. I could recap all this in full detail, but then we’d be here all day. Suffice to say, it’s some top-form scrambling. You really see how formidable of a player SilverFox is, and you’re also reminded of how cunning a player Cirie is.
Anyhoo – here’s how it falls out: Tom chats w/ JT + Amanda, playing the whole “you can trust Colby and I, we’re a better twosome to align with”. So the plan is to vote out Candice. Then Cirie finds out the plan and is all “what the what?” and re-campaigns to get rid of Colby. JT tells Tom of this and that he feels powerless, so Tom comes up with the plan that if the rest of the tribe is planning on splitting their votes on Tom + Colby (3/3 to flush out the idol), all JT has to do is change his vote from Colby to Cirie, and she goes home. We don’t see JT specifically agree to it – but clearly you can see he wants to do it, he wants to keep the tribe “strong”.
Tribal council – Jeff gets all up in Rupert’s grill, asking about alliances and how the vote is going to shake down. Rupert essentially admits he doesn’t agree with what’s going to happen, but he’s sticking with his alliance. More chit chat, trying to make us think that Colby is probably going home, and then the votes go in. And Tom plays his idol, so any votes against him don’t count. And it’s Colby, Colby, Cirie, Cirie…..and ……. Cirie!
Wow, JT actually showed some cojones. Well done kid. That’s probably the smartest move you could make. Cirie is a snake-charmer – big threat for a simple country boy like you….
Next time, on Survivor! Coach leads his tribe in some group Tai Chi (barf) and Candice is scrambling for a new alliance. Oh – and someone else gets hurt. But we’re not going to show you who – because it’s not that exciting and they’re not really that hurt…
