Previously on Survivor… the Heroes tribe sucked complete ass so Mark Burnett decided to create a challenge that could guarantee them a win. Yay Heroes! On the Villains tribe, Russell hid a machete to fuck with his tribemates’ heads. Except it didn’t work, because everyone was too busy licking BostonRob’s balls to really care. Oh – and Sandra thinks Coach is a douchebag, but Randy is even more of one, and he’s the first Villain to get his walking papers. 17 people are left, who will be voted out tonight?
Enter après-tribal-council meltdown. Coach is upset that Sandra doesn’t like him. That he got called out at tribal council for being a douche. And then douchily goes one to explain to Tyson how “There has never been a player like me in this game and there will never be another player like me. I do noble things out here and I look ignoble.”
Poor Tyson – he looks like he’d rather kill himself than be in this conversation. He tries to make Coach feel better. There’s a lot of “dude” talk. And then Coach cries. And Tyson hugs him. Sincerely hugs him, to make him feel better. And then I go and stab myself in the eye because somehow Dr. Phil has taken over my TV and I just want my Survivor back.
And also? Sidebar to Coach? You’re on the VILLAINS tribe. People DON’T think you are a noble, worthy, or uncompromising. But the irony is that YOU think you are. And therefore, it is your DELUSIONAL mindset that has you on this little misfit tribe of people who are clearly far smarter than you could ever imagine yourself to be. What’s that you say? You’re a dragonslayer? *pats Coach on the head* Sure you are buddy. You go slay those magical dragons…
Back in reality, Tyson tells Coach he will try to “coach” him through his delusions. But he may not like what he hears. Coach is all, “Tell me tell me!” And then Tyson says the awesome words that still make me giggle as I recap it for you, “Don’t wear feathers in your hair at tribal. Don’t tell your stories, people don’t believe your stories…there’s no reason to tell them. And do your Tai Chi in private where nobody can see you.”
Of course, this is possibly the best advice anyone has, or ever could, give Coach, but because it is a little sliver of hard reality, Coach knocks it back – nope, can’t do it – it’s not me. Maybe I’ll quit. Anything is a better solution than actually taking Tyson’s advice and acting like a sane human being. ANYTHING!
The next day, Tyson actually does try to explain to everyone that Coach’s feelings were hurt and he’s sad and blahblahblah Dr.-Phil-cakes. BostonRob of course decides to try and defuse the situation by going to Coach and telling him to stop being such a douche and “act like a man”.
Over on the Heroes tribe they get treemail and it’s a Sears catalogue “Choose Your Own Reward” challenge. (Wonder how much Sears paid for this product placement). Heroes choose to play for fishing equipment + kitchen set; Villains choose to play for a tool kit and tarp to build a shelter. The challenge consists of everyone lubing up to slip ‘n slide, grab a ball and try to throw it in a net. I know my male cohorts would probably have recapped this differently – but instead I will try to paint you a picture of James covered in body lube. It is… delicious. It is shiny, and hard, and omgsnarfdroolblaragh…. Okay I’m back – James is just HOTTTT. There. That’s all you need to know. (And yes, I looked for a still pic of James all lubed up and ready to slip n’ slide his way into my fantasies – I couldn’t find one)
To recap the challenge – Villains go up to an early lead of 3:1, then lose momentum and Heroes come back to tie it up. It all comes down to Tyson + Colby. As usual, Colby sucks the bag and Tyson wins the challenge for the Villains team.
Villains head back to their tribe and unpack their winnings, where Russell mistakenly pulls out an individual immunity idol clue that was hidden in the handsaw. The entire tribe agrees not to look for the idol, because it would “mark” whoever finds it. Well, entire tribe agrees except for Russell. He’s all “IMMA FIND MA IMMUNITY IDOL!” So he takes off, while everyone else is building the shelter, and in doing so, he’s the biggest heat score since me at 16 trying to sneak a bottle of vodka into the school dance. Oh, and he doesn’t find the idol. But he does succeed in making everyone in his tribe think he’s a total untrustable douche.
Over at the Heroes tribe they’re making their morning coffee and another CONVENIENTLY hidden immunity idol clue gets found again, in front of the ENTIRE TRIBE. (Seriously Mark Burnett – maybe you should just start skywriting the immunity clues if they’re going to be kept this secretly secret).
Hilariously – the Heroes are all about trying to find the idol. For themselves. Not as a tribe, not as an alliance. And hahaha irony-cakes, the Heroes are acting like self-absorbed villains and the Villains are acting like heroes. Or idiots. You take your pick.
Tom continues his reign of being the most awesome Survivor evah, and finds the idol and let’s Amanda see him do it, so they all know he’s got some leverage. The SilverFox then goes and tells his Tonto, I mean Colby, that he found the idol and hopefully it’s a glimmer of hope for them. We’ll see – but I expect Tom will figure out how to use the idol to his advantage. Let’s hope.
Immunity challenge – it’s the challenge where black Russell passed out and almost died last season! Woot! So here’s the gist, some blindfolded guys have to roll some human gerbil balls to a ball maze tilty-thing, where the gerbils have to guide more blindfolded tribe members through getting the ball through the maze into the hole at the other end.
BostonRob and SilverFox are the gerbils that get to boss everyone around. They both do a great job, and the challenge is pretty even, but BostonRob is slightly bossier and Villains win again.
Now we’re back at Heroes beach and it’s scramble time for everyone. I could recap all this in full detail, but then we’d be here all day. Suffice to say, it’s some top-form scrambling. You really see how formidable of a player SilverFox is, and you’re also reminded of how cunning a player Cirie is.
Anyhoo – here’s how it falls out: Tom chats w/ JT + Amanda, playing the whole “you can trust Colby and I, we’re a better twosome to align with”. So the plan is to vote out Candice. Then Cirie finds out the plan and is all “what the what?” and re-campaigns to get rid of Colby. JT tells Tom of this and that he feels powerless, so Tom comes up with the plan that if the rest of the tribe is planning on splitting their votes on Tom + Colby (3/3 to flush out the idol), all JT has to do is change his vote from Colby to Cirie, and she goes home. We don’t see JT specifically agree to it – but clearly you can see he wants to do it, he wants to keep the tribe “strong”.
Tribal council – Jeff gets all up in Rupert’s grill, asking about alliances and how the vote is going to shake down. Rupert essentially admits he doesn’t agree with what’s going to happen, but he’s sticking with his alliance. More chit chat, trying to make us think that Colby is probably going home, and then the votes go in. And Tom plays his idol, so any votes against him don’t count. And it’s Colby, Colby, Cirie, Cirie…..and ……. Cirie!
Wow, JT actually showed some cojones. Well done kid. That’s probably the smartest move you could make. Cirie is a snake-charmer – big threat for a simple country boy like you….
Next time, on Survivor! Coach leads his tribe in some group Tai Chi (barf) and Candice is scrambling for a new alliance. Oh – and someone else gets hurt. But we’re not going to show you who – because it’s not that exciting and they’re not really that hurt…
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