Survivor Recap Week 5: What do you mean there's no MRI Machine in the woods?

Previously on Survivor: Villains dominate. Tom finds Idol. Tom Plays Idol. Cerie goes home.

Back at Heroes camp JT is the Heroes Hero. He stood up for what is right and just in the world. He wants to make his tribe stronger, and he voted out the weakest link. Good-bye. It’s nice to know that alliances aside people are willing to vote out the reason you’re getting your ass kicked. They’ll stand by that strategy going forward right...?

Over at the Villains camp Coach Crazy has not only continued his public display of Dragon-Slayer-Chi, but has the entire camp involved; the entire camp that is except for Russell. Russell has opted out of the group activity section of the day, and has gone in search of the Hidden Immunity Idol. Which really, should now just be called the “Russell”. “Psst... I found it, I’ve got the ‘Russell’...” ”If anyone has the ‘Russell’, and would like to play it...” it works. Anyway, while everyone is still playing Coaches yoga for psychos, Russell finds the ‘hidden immunity ‘Russell”. Shocker!

Time for the reward challenge, it’s basically tackle basketball played with a football, with a dodge ball start and a Hail Mary finish played in the mud. The game needs some tweaks but is pretty much amazing and I’m already looking for a local league, who’s in?

Oh I forgot to mention, in grand who gives a flying-fuck fashion, the winner of this challenge gets a couple snickers bars, some M&Ms and an emergency trip to the Dentist.

We’re off... and it’s clear that James has played Baskefodgemudmaryball before. He’s dominating! Finally a much needed win for the Heroes! Go James Go, nothing could possebly go wrong (Simpsons Joke). James is down. Torn MCL, ACL, LCL, FJL, LDL... one of his knee ligaments is fudged! This guy is the survivor equivalent of Vince Carter. Amazing for the 5 seconds they’re actually on the field before getting hurt. So the Heroes now must finish the game a man short, and while its close, and JT totally suplexes Coach (awesome), and Rupert absolutely turnbuckles Jerri into a wood post, the Villains pull it out and are awarded the golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.

Pretty much the only eventful thing that happens while on the reward challenge is Russell tells both Parvati and Coach that he has the Russell. Coach is so fucking hard headed stupid, that he’s now bowing to Russell in full allegiance, ignoring his original alliance, and perhaps only friend, Rob. Not how I would have played it. The Alpha Male competition between Russ and Rob is heating up, and should be exciting.

The Immunity challenge is the one from previous seasons where everyone busts their shins to shit. Everyone but the “caller” is blindfolded searching a field for giant puzzle pieces. This is right up the Heroes alley actually, this is in the bag, finally a win. Then Jeff throws in the twist. Once the pieces are collected, you have to actually assemble the puzzle. Ahhhhh fuck.

Heroes have huge lead. Heroes blow huge lead. Villains assemble puzzle faster and win immunity. Gee, haven’t seen this before. The Heroes are off to Tribal yet again, losing 4 of the first 5 Immunity Challenges, and basically all of the other challenges as well. “Heroes”? More like “Shitties”!

JT Has the same decision to make he did last time. Vote with Tom & Colby to strengthen the tribe or vote with his original alliance and keep James, and pray the next immunity challenge is a puzzleless arm-wrestling competition.... to my disbelief and shock, he voted off Tom. Sorry Tom you sexy grizzly old bastard, you’re one of the best actual Survivors to play the game, and probably deserved a better fate, and a better tribe this time around.

Next week... Boston Rob to Russell “You better watch your back”, Russell to Boston Rob “No. No. No. YOU better watch YOUR back”. Ah good times.