Episode 5 Recap: I Know You Know that I Know You Know.

Previously on Survivor: a bunch of stuff happened, but we’re only going to point out the stuff that’s important for you to know if there’s any chance that you’ll fall for our contrived drama tonight. Rob and Russell are at war, but Parvatti’s is REALLY annoying. James is trying to survive on a leg and a prayer, and Colby has an obvious bull’s-eye on his out-out-shape ass, but no one trusts Candice and she’s not nearly hot enough to keep around for eye candy. 15 are left, who will be voted out tonight?

And incase the recap didn’t put a fine enough point on the situation, the episode starts off by providing us some insight into the drama at each camp. Amanda’s claws are out for Candice, since she know – oh she KNOWS - that Candice was gunning for James, and that she only voted for Tom since she knew which way the wind was blowing. Ya, what was she thinking, focusing on how to make the tribe stronger and trying to convince people to vote off the one tribemate that Terry Fox could beat in a foot race. Clearly Candice needs to be punished for her stupidity.

Meanwhile, over at Villains Beach, Russell and Rob sit down for a moonlight tete-a-tete. Either that, or they’re rehearsing lines for the Survivor Beachside Theatre rendition of Heat starring Al Pacino and Robert De Niro. You watch your back. No you watch YOUR back. No YOU watch your BACK. How about you both go to fucking bed already...

All this excitement before the intro-credits even roll. I think I might pee myself.

We’re not wasting time tonight, as it’s straight to the challenge ,which mildly retarded Colby is still suspicious might be for a donkey punch and a bag of Twizzlers. Actually, maybe Colby is right to be confused since this challenge is for both immunity AND reward. And if that’s not enough to twist your licorice, it’s actually individual immunity, and team reward. I think. I’m fucking confused. Look, both tribes are going to tribal council, both are voting someone off, two people get immunity, and somebody gets to eat hotdogs.

It’s another Mark Burnett throw-back challenge: I believe this one is called the “There’s-so-much-drama-on-your-tribe-and -we-really-want-you -to-go-to-tribal-council-but-you’re-just-too-strong-and-we’re-tired-of-waiting-for-you-to-lose-a-challenge-so-we’ve-invented -a-new-challenge -to-make-both-tribes-go-to-tribal-council” challenge. You know the one – ropes, more bamboo scaffolding than a Chinese construction site, and Jeff Probst’s manufactured commentary designed to make you think it’s really close and dramatic.

The Heroes start us off and predictably Colby sucks, Rupert sucks, Amanda’s bathing suit is falling off, and JT is out to an early lead. But surprisingly, peg-leg-James is still in the running, and Candice is showing she’s climbed a fence or two before while attached to a rope. Candice wins immunity, and the rest of the tribe all fight back the urge to point at Colby and crack out the ol’ Nelson Munz “Ha ha!”

The Villains are up next, and it’s a tight race between Rob and Tyson. And Russell – ya right, Russell is right there, almost winning. Sure he is. In fact, everyone is right in this except Sandra, who looks like she couldn’t climb over a sawhorse for a thousand bucks. In the end, it’s all Rob – and he wins individual immunity.

And it case they weren’t bruised enough, Candice and Boston Rob battle it out for the hotdog buffet. And because I’m at close to 1,000 words already, half of you have probably stopped reading, and there’s still a lot of drama to recap – I’ll just cut to the chase and tell you Rob wins.

At Villains beach, Boston Rob is calling the shots and he’s devised a devious little plan to vote for Parvatti but head-fake Russell to flush out the idol. Everyone is one board with the plan, even Coach who plans to keep his word and vote with integrity. Because apparently integrity means doing exactly what you swore you would do most recently, with all subsequent swearings fully negating any and all commitments which may or may not have previously been made. Is this guy a soccer coach or a lawyer? Rob takes another chance to needle Russell, who’s on to their plan. And he’s devised a little plan of his own – to give Parvati the immunity idol, and vote for Tyson. This could get interested.

Back at Hero Beach, Colby has come to terms with the fact that he’s the next to go – and he’d like everyone to just chill out and have a nice relaxing day. No need for strategizing, everyone just vote for tired ol’ Colby. Great then, I guess we can just skip right to tribal council then, right? Right Mark Burnett? Nothing to see here... Ah fuck, they’re still going to try to dig up some drama. Seems everyone might be having second thoughts, and maybe James should go home since he’s a dirty banana stealing gimp. But James isn’t going to limp to the finish without a fight, so he’s taking a page out of Forrest Gump’s diary and run-run-run-ing for his life. Will it be enough to convince the Heroes he’s strong enough to stay?

While the Heroes are playing Special Olympics, Boston Rob is talking advanced strategy with the Villains. Seems he’s been playing a little “What would I do if I were Russell” game, and may have figured out the oil-man’s little plan. So the new plan is to split the vote, between Russell and Parvati – forcing a tie and a revote. But wait, Russell already thought that they might know that he knows that they know he knows that they know, so he’s got a plan G – sacrifice Parvati to save your own ass. But that could make Tyson flip his vote to Parvati as well, putting the original plan back in play. Damn, this is gonna be good...

Tribal council round 1 is finally here, and after some Probst probing, we’re quickly to the vote. The voting is flashes of Parvati, Tyson, and Russell ‘s names on ballots – and after one last chance to play the Immunity idol it’s



Sorry, just had to sneak that advertisement in there while I had your attention. Wasn’t that suspenseful?

And Russell playing the immunity idol! But wait, he’s giving it to Parvati!! Holy shit this guy’s got balls! First vote Russell. Russell. Parvati. Parvati. Parvati. Parvati. Tyson. Tyson. Tyson! Wow. I’m just shocked. That was hands down the best Survivor strategy I’ve ever seen. EVER. I can’t believe I ever doubted this show. I swear I will never ever again be sarcastic about...

Oh wait, there’s another tribal council!

More questions from Jeff, more shots of Colby looking confused and Amanda looking like she’s sitting on a pine cone, and words of wisdom from James. And while the Villains gorge themselves on Oscar Meyer’s finest, the Heroes begin voting. No ballot flashing tonight, and no witty comments – which is usually a sign this vote is about to be a landslide. Predictably, it is landslide – but surprisingly Colby is staying, and James is sent hobbling off to rehab. Or the bar, apparently. And I’m shocked again. Seriously, I’ll never ever again speak another cyncial word about...

Wait, did Boston Rob seriously just compare Russell to a suicide bomber?