Previously on Survivor: the Heroes and Villains merged, and while everyone wondered whether Russell could be trusted, it was Parvati who was responsible for one of the biggest shockers in Survivor history. For the first time ever two immunity idols were played, boomeranging the tribal council vote back onto JT who became the third member of the jury. 9 are left: who will be voted out tonight? No seriously, who’s it gonna be? Really? Jeff’s been asking this question at the start of every episode for 20 seasons, but this edition of Survivor has gotten so messed up, I have no clue anymore. None. I don’t even know who I have left in this freaking pool. And I’m fully expecting that one of these weeks, the remaining Survivors are going to all break out immunity idols at the same time and then conspire to vote off Jeff Probst in a unanimous vote, just to fuck with him. It could happen. It could even happen tonight…
We begin the episode back at camp following said tribal council shocker, and Candice wastes no time congratulating the Villains for their masterful performance. Candice’s intentions are pretty clear with this congratulatory bullshit, and she should just save some time, bow to her knees, and ask the Villains to take her aboard. But the Villains are too busy trying to figure out how Parvati just did what she did. Russell is pissed that Parvati is keeping secrets from him, and he wants to know who knew. But deep down inside, Russell is just pissed that some one not name Russell pulled off one of the biggest Survivor moves ever.
Morning breaks and Candice is getting an early start on betraying her alliance. Russell feels a nibble on the line, and he’s ready to reel this fish in. See, he’s convinced that Sandra is ready to jump to the Heroes side so Russell wants Candice to be his little insurance policy. You know, I hate to again reveal my Russell-love, but this guy is GOOOOOOOD.
We’re off to the reward challenge, and it’s a big Survivor shuffle board contest. Up for grabs: a night at a luxury hotel including a cheesy movie and a sleep in a comfy bed. Let’s face it, after almost 30 days outside these guys would get excited for a night at a roach-infested Motel 6 with breakfast at a Denny’s that just failed a health inspection. I’ll save you the boredom of this boring challenge (seriously, how many pucks do these assholes get to throw?): it comes down to the last rock, Colby wins it, and he’s off to the hotel with Danielle and Amanda. Bow-chicka-bow-bow.
The reward starts with a boring tour of some museum house, and Colby, Danielle, and Amanda all have that look like grade 8’s on field trip – you know, like “Wow this is Empire Loyalist homestead is fucking boring, but I could be back at school, so I’m at least going to pretend I’m slightly interested in the fact that these back-country rubes used to piss in this here copper bucket every night..” Yup, we’ve all been there.
Tour-time is over, and our three reward winners retire to their room to watch a classic version of
Danielle is fixated on her popcorn, Amanda is going OCD for the immunity idol clue, and Colby, who SHOULD be fixated on the two hot chicks with massive racks sharing his tiny bed, is fixated on – the movie? Colby are you fucking kidding me? Look around man!! You’re the meat in a hot-girl sandwich dude, and you’re watching a black and white pirate movie? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?
Oh but wait, the action is about to get even hotter: Danielle finds the immunity idol clue and
(For the record, Amanda is a twat for giving the clue back. If Danielle was dumb enough to think the floor beside the bed was a good enough hiding place, then I say tough titties to her. And if she thought there was some kind of I-found-it-first rule in play here, then why did she feel the need to hide the clue in the first place. This scene was really dumb. Like mind numbingly dumb)
Back at camp, Danielle shares the immunity clue (and a really over-dramatized version of last night’s events) with her Villainous friends. She and Russell go idol hunting, and it takes Russell about 4 seconds to find the idol, and covertly stash it in his shorts. See Danielle, THAT’S how you hide something without the people around you noticing. Russell doesn’t plan to tell anyone from his tribe that he found the idol, but he invites Candice to a “Wanna see my idol?” date in the jungle. And right up to the point where he unwrapped the actual idol, there must have been a small part of Candice that was worried Russell was just going to whip out his old-man balls. Sure enough, it’s the real thing – and it looks like Russell has yet another girl wrapped around his finger.
The next 30 minutes is a mess of will-she or won’t-she flip drama – featuring both Candice AND Sandra. I’ve replayed it like 3 times, and it’s a complicated mess that would take me another 2,000 words to summarize. And IF (big if) you’re still reading this, you’re certainly not going to stick with me for another 2,000 words about whether one or both of Sandra and Candice are or are not going to flip.
Somewhere in the middle of the drama, there’s an immunity challenge – a replay of the ol’ house-of-cards contest from a couple of seasons ago. Sandra obviously didn’t have blocks in whatever small Mexican village she grew up in; Amanda may be over-thinking the whole thing as she’s building a structure worthy of an Extreme Engineering episode, and Colby – shocker! – sucsk at this challenge again. It’s a photo finish featuring Jerri and Russell, and in the end Jerri win’s her first EVER immunity. Like ever. Wow – she’s sucked for a really long time.
Back at camp following the challenge, and it’s more Candice and Sandra drama. Thankfully, in the name of all that’s good and smart, they’ve at least figured out that whatever one does, they both have to do, or they’re both screwed. At least it SEEMS they’ve figured it out…
Off to tribal council, where Jeff is stirring the shit with a bigger-than-normal spoon tonight and the survivors are being a little more honest than normal. Everyone basically acknowledges that Sandra is the 6th wheel on the villains team, and the heroes even seem to be open about trying to sway her to their side. But will it work? After the vote, Russell plays his ka-billionth immunity idol to the shock of everyone, and as the votes roll in we find out that he really didn’t need it. Its coming down to Parvati – who looks genuinely scared, and Amanda – whose eyes are filling with more and more tears after each vote. Finally the count comes down, and Amanda is going home – which means Candice did indeed flip, and Sandra did not.
But will any of it matter? These so called “alliances” seem weaker that a one legged man in an ass-kicking contest – and I’m betting all promises are off by this time next week…
Oh, and HOW THE FUCK IS COLBY STILL IN THIS GAME? There, that feels better.
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