Episode 13: We'll build you and up and tear you down again

Previously on Survivor: Russell managed to get everyone to once again do exactly as he pleased – which this time involved getting rid of Danielle – one of his closest alliance members. You'd think that'd make his alliance turn against him, wouldn't you? Spoiler Alert! It doesn't.

Apres tribal council Parvarti is all, WTF Jerri? Jerri tells her that Russell threatened her and that’s why she changed her vote – but oh yeah, they def need to get rid of Rupert and Colby now (and can I just say – how the HELL is Colby still here on day whatever it is???? Fucking bonkers is what that is.) Anyhoo – Russell plays a bit of crowd control, but really you can tell that he’s not too concerned about Parvarti now. It was clearly a power play, and Russell won the pissing contest, so he’s pretty comfortable with everyone, including the Heroes losers.

Treemail! Surprise! You get a piece of antiquated equipment! Check out your Palm Pre by Sprint! (Seriously Blackberry, you couldn’t pay for the product placement?)

Anyhoo – it’s the family challenge where if they win they get to chill with their family member. Ahhhh – makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I’d recap the brief reunions, but I just don’t care all that much.

Challenge is the classic, “Pass the water by throwing it, fill your bucket the fastest”. Again, I’d recap it, but I just don't care all that much. All you need to know is Jerri, Russell and Rupert actually played well. Everyone else sucked – especially Colby (SHOCKER!).

Jerri wins it and gets to pick a few Survivor friends (and their family members) to join her – she picks Parvarti and Sandra. Russell is spitting mad he didn’t get picked and of course starts sidling up to Rupert and Colby to consol himself.

The reward is coconut fireworks in sea geysers – um, if that sounds crazy, it’s because it is. And really that’s all I have to say about that.

Jerri gets all worried and spends family time to chat strategy – which is really just whinging about the fact that she’s skeered of Russell and is worried he’s gonna be mad at her for not picking him. Here’s a clue – if you’re that worried about it, perhaps you should have just flippin' picked him to join you.  Last time I checked you and Sandra weren’t BFF – so the hell is she even doing there? She doesn’t even have an immediate family member as her reward – it’s some random Uncle… (yes, I’m going to hell).

Back at camp, Russell is all, “What was she thinking? I was fully expecting she would bring me. Why wouldn’t she? I’ve been bringing her along the entire time.”  And in fairness, he has a point. Jerri would’ve been nothing without Russell. She can’t seem to make a decision (well, a good one) of her own to save her life, and yet she keeps on living…

So instead, Russell approaches Rupert and Colby for a top 3 alliance deal. Plan is to take Parvarti out…

Immunity challenge is the double-handed balance bar doo-hickey.

15 seconds in and Colby’s out. What a fucking clown. Sandra drops, then Russell, then Jerri is also out. It’s Rupert and Parvarti fighting it out 17 minutes in (not a long challenge). Rupert plays around with his poles far too much and Parvarti wins immunity.

Back at camp, Russell changes his mind AGAIN (or did he actually ever plan on going against Parvarti? I don’t know) and tells Parvarti that the plan is now Rupert. That is, until Sandra approaches Rupert again about getting rid of Russell – which of course Rupert plays to his advantage and runs to Russell with – to stir the pot and get his nerves on edge. And Russell falls for it – going immediately to Sandra whether she's with him or against him. She is far too comfortable or has been drinking sea water or something, because she actually tells him “I’m against you Russell” giggling the whole time with Parvarti. It’s enough to piss him off and now he wants to get rid of her.

Sidebar? Russell plays a great game, but his Achilles heel is for sure his inability to trust that someone is not going to vote him out – and perhaps that's always the smart move – vote those that could possibly vote against you. The best defense is a good offense. But both Rupert and Sandra have played this against him to get him to vote in their best interest and to that, I say, well played. Play the playa…

Sandra interviews that she’s so confident she’s not going to use the idol at tribal council, but she may bring it, just in case.

2^nd sidebar? How can no one suspect she has the idol? Because where does all this cocky swagger confidence all of a sudden come from, for one of the self-proclaimed “outsiders” of the group?

Tribal council – Jeff sniffs out the Sandra/Rupert/Russell love triangle. I’d recap, but I just don't care all that much. And in the end - it doesn't matter, because Sandra plays her idol (again to the jaw-dropping amazement of Russell). But even that doesn't matter, because Russell ended up voting against Rupert. So all that 'will he or won't he' was just a bunch of made up drama to amuse us. Good editing - I almost believed Russell to be aligning with Rupert. Until he wasn't, that is.

So bye-bye Rupert. You played hard and well. I was kind of rooting for you in the end because you were really doing your best at hanging on. Well done.

Scenes from the next – Sunday, May 16^th (wow, rushing us through a bit aren’t they?) – Colby uses the words “send me home”. Say it with me please... What. A. Fucking. Clown.