Episode 1 Recap: Slaying & Stratimagizing

(This recap may have been posted by Rob, but it was written by both Sara and Rob. You'll just have to take my word for it. And we know it's late, but it was a double-episode and a busy weekend, so piss off.)

Guess who’s back – back again? Recap’s back. Tell a friend! We know you’ve been waiting – s’ok, you don’t have to say it. And for those of you new to the recap – welcome to your hilarious, clever, witty, and sometimes (ok, always) snarky report of each episode. Sure, “recap” would imply a concise summary of the high-points and important developments. And ok, maybe you could re-watch the entire episode in the time it will take to read this post. But consider this “Survivor Plus: Now with 40% more snark! “So you’ve been warned – it’s going to be a long ride. Grab your morning coffee, and go to the bathroom before we leave. Now, let’s git ‘er dun…


Welcome to… Survivor! And of course we start out with Jeff Probst doing his best to act like Chuck Norris while hanging out the side of a helicopter. No boats this time, we’re storming this island in helicopters, muthafuckahs! Because this is a serious game. Serious. And to illustrate the point, we get 3 full minutes of fantastic Survivor porn. And by porn I mean crazy cinematography. Ocean! Wild animals! Crazy jungle island landscapes! Scary natives! Oh – and one liner interviews – love these. Such gems of wisdom…

Rupert: “…good will win” – good strategy there Hobo Joe. Is it me, or does this guy always sound like he’s been sitting on a park bench drinking Listerine?

Russell: “…villains will always win – cuz they don’t mind stabbing someone in the back – it’s a fact – Google it.” And if we Google evil bastard, I bet we find a picture of Russell.

Coach: “This time I slay everyone and trust no one.” And I’ve already lost the first side-bet as Coach has managed to use the verb “slay” in the first 120 seconds of the series premiere.

Tom: “I’m not in the shape I was last time…” – oh good lord SilverFox, you are not. Look at the belly! Apparently the fire department has loosened their fitness standards.

BostonRob: “If people were smart, they’d get rid of me foist. But they won’t, they never do…” Um. I smell something. And since these guys haven’t started rolling in the mud yet, I can only assume that smell is foreshadowing…

Cerie: “I’m a gangster in an Oprah suit.” Cirie may have just won favourite quote of the night. But what’s an Oprah suit? Is that like one of those sumo-suits? I would pay to watch two people dressed up like Oprah bash the shit out of each other…

The helicopters land safely on the beach, and we continue with the mellow-dramatic build up to the season. Jeff asks the contestants how it feels to be here. Oh gawd, can we just get on with it? This part is so lame and ass-lickery that I can barely stand to watch it. To summarize, they’re all happy to be here. So honoured. Can’t believe they got another shot at it. Feel stronger, smarter, wiser, humbler. Yadda yadda yadda. Let’s get to it, shall we?


Thankfully, we’re on to the first challenge – right here, right now. And it’s a football inspired full-contact co-ed beach-digging bag-finding doozey, sure to feature inappropriate bullying and gratuitous girl-on-girl action. And happily, the challenge doesn’t disappoint. Parvahottie dislocates Stephanie’s shoulder and the Villains take an early lead. JT and Amanda storm past Jerri-atric and grumpy ol’ Randy to tie it up. Coach treats Colby like a piece of carry-on luggage to but the Villains back on top (and I’m sure we won’t hear about that dominant performance again). Sandra pulls a move outta the Bayou Mud Wrestling League and de-bras Sugar, who isn’t phased at all and gleefully storms over the finish line without so much as covering a nipple with her arm – and we’re tied again. Finally, James makes a break for it while puny mortals bounce off him, barely slowing his charge to the finish line, and it’s victory for the Heroes. Hooray, the heroes save the cheerleader, and the world is saved!! Or at least they got some flint. But what a great opening challenge! A dislocated shoulder, frontal nudity, a broken toe, and decent helping of wounded pride!

The Villains arrive at their beach first, and oh, presents! They get flippers, a fork with a cork on it (WTF???), a net, a mask and some other shit in a traditional South Pacific Welcome Wagon basket. What the fuck, is this Christmas? Didn’t these assholes lose? Did Mark Burnett just take the survive out of survivor? And the gift-giving continues over at Hero Beach where Mark Burnett releases some “wild” chickens into the nearby brush. Seriously, wild chickens? Just wandering around this deserted island? What’s next, a wild bush with Shake-n-Bake packages instead of leaves? Sure, you can’t turn-down a gift-chicken on a desert island, but the timing isn’t perfect for the newly arrived tribe to be taking on pets. These guys don’t even have a shelter or water yet, and now they’re supposed to just whip together a friggin’ chicken coop?

With fears of starvation temporarily relieved, the tribes waste no time getting down to some strategizing. Aannnnddd…. Russell revisits his “dumb-girl alliance” strategy by immediately hitting up every female on the island with final-two promises. It’s like I’m déjà-vu’ing with this re-run of season 19 strategy. I bet in high school Russell was so afraid of not having a date to the prom that he started lining up dates in January! But wait, there’s a little fishy nibbling at the bait, as Danielle swears to god and hopes to die and sticks needle in her eye that she’s going to the final-two with Russell. Parvahottie’s more cautious, giving Russell the ol’ nod and smile. I sense conflict coming between these two…

Meanwhile, Coach’s is also revisiting the strategy that made him the best Survivor player Coach has ever seen: make sure everyone knows how awesome Coach is. After a thorough retelling of the “frog-march” he handed out to Colby earlier in the day (and what the fuck is a frog-march anyway?), Coach candidly admits just how surprised he is that the whole tribe was still talking about his challenge performance long after he had forgotten about it. Sure thing Coach. You fucking moron. Who would fall for this crap?

Well, it seems Jerri falls for this crap. Maybe it’s the contrived Asian-inspired tattoos, maybe it’s Coach’s flowing mane, or maybe Jerri just falls for douchebags, but apparently this kitten is smitten. And Coach just might be interested! Apparently cougars wearing Tilley-brand anti-sex bathing suits are just his thing. Or maybe Coach just loves people that love Coach. Could we have this season’s first, and Survivor’s most-disturbing lurrrrrve connection? We’ll have to wait and see, but I predict this is going to be more awkard than watching your Mom and Dad do a 69’er.

We’re finally on to day 2, and the strategizing continues with the Heroes. So much strategizing for the premiere, but then again, how else are they going to fill a 2-hour episode. Good thinking CBS. JT and James decide to pair up in a clearly brawns-over-brains alliance. And not 5 minutes later, JT strikes up a “winners” alliance with Tom. Friggin’ two-timer.

Apparently all this stratimagizing is just too much for a simple boy from Texas, and Colby is confused. Clearly, he doesn’t know anything about anyone – way to do your research bud. I can’t believe we’re not even half-way through the first episode, and I’m so tired of hearing Colby talk already. Please shut up. No, don’t leave - just sit there. Quietly. Fortunately, Candice takes pity on Colby’s dumb yet firm ass, and gives him the who’s-who run-down of the tribe. And wow, the Heroes are loaded with players that have played together before: Tom and Steph; Cirie, James & Amanda. I guess that’s bound to happen when Mark Burnett keeps casting the same freaking people. Seriously, if Stephenie does one more season of Survivor I think she get’s a free foot-long sub!

Back at the Villains camp, BostonRob has tired of the pleasant chit-chat, and is getting annoyed with all his lazy tribe mates. So, he’s going to single-handedly save the Villains by creating fire. Always the supportive teammate, Randy explains just how stupid an idea that is. Not even worth trying. No way it’s going to happen. And you’re just going to waste energy and give people a reason to vote you off. But as grumpy ol’ Randy continues his negative rant, there’s smoke in the background. BostonRob has created fire using only two bamboo logs! (And Mark Burnett’s hidden zippo). He’s so awesome – even Coach thinks so!

Finally, it’s tree-mail time, and the tribes are gearing up for the first immunity challenge. Before leaving camp, Coach leads the Villains in team-huddle, spitting out a bunch of boiler-plate motivational poster bullshit about needing to think like winners to win. I’m just surprised he didn’t bring up the Colby man-handling again…

The first immunity challenge looks vaguely familiar: build a boat, row you boat, get a torch, do a puzzle, build a ladder, climb to victory. Jeff notes that Candice and Parvati have both done this challenge before in the Cook Islands, and I get the sinking feeling that we’re going to see the same unimaginative challenges all season long, regurgitated as “Survivor classics.” Awesome. The heroes jump out to an early lead, while Coach with all his coachiness screams at the Villains “C’mon, we gotta get these pieces together!” Ya thanks, Coach. By the time the Heroes get back to the beach it looks like they’re going to run away with the challenge. But wait, there’s still a puzzle to put together. And the Heroes have entrusted the brain-force of Rupert, Sugar, Cirie and Amanda to solve the puzzle. Oh fuck. In dramatic fashion, the Villains use their fully functioning frontal lobes to solve the puzzle, assemble the ladder, and cross the finish line while the Heroes are left staring at their puzzle like a bunch of monkeys trying to figure out a computer. Predictably Sugar becomes the first tribe member to cry, and seems to give everyone an obvious reason to make her the first person voted off. Seems pretty straight forward to me, let’s just cut the bullshit and get this vote over with. No, there apparently more strategizing to be done first. Oh fuck me.

Back at Hero Beach, and Rupert is shocked SHOCKED! that the Heroes lost. I mean they’re HEROS for Christ’s sake. HEROES ALWAYS WIN! According to Rupert, no one in a million years would have guessed the Heroes would lose. So apparently there are 10 people in this pool with telepathic powers – go buy yourselves a lottery ticket for tonight! Rupert continues to explain how the other tribe might be better at just about every aspect of the game, but that’s fine because they’re still the Heroes and they going to win. And if you rewind his interview and play it on slow-motion, you can almost see the exact second where Rupert realizes: the Heroes are fucked.


Sugar, Sugar, Sugar, Sugar, Sugar, Sugar, and it looks like we’re heading towards an easy vote and a predictable tribal council. But then (after Mark Burnett surely shut the cameras off and gave these schmoes a lecture about what makes for exciting television) Tom has an epiphany! Maybe, just maybe they shouldn’t just go for the easy target. And wait, Amanda, Candice and Cirie might have other plans too! You mean these people weren’t being honest when they all said Sugar, Sugar, Sugar? Ohhhh, this is going to be so exciting…

With the fate of the Heroes up in the air, the tribe reports to Ewok Village for the first tribal council. Jeff leads off the question period, madly looking for some kind of drama like Geraldo Riveria looking for Capone’s loot. But the tribe just won’t take the bait, ducking and diving under Jeff’s questions to avoid pissing anyone off. Quelle excitement! Off to the vote, and Sugar figures out how the pen works just in time to cast the only vote not for her. It’s 9-1 landslide, and the cry-baby is going home. Normally showing your boobs would get you at least one extra week on the island from most guys, so Sugar must really have been annoying. I guess that last half-hour of forced vote-strategizing drama wasn’t really necessary then was it? I feel cheated. I’m never going to watch another…

Waaaaaa? BostonRob unconscious? Dude, I’m so there next week!