Episode 2 Recap: Fear the Reaper

OK, so last night’s episode of Survivor was unfortunately one of the most boring and uneventful episodes I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a lot. In fact, I don’t think I’d need all of the fingers on one hand to count the number of episodes I’ve missed in 20 seasons. So be forewarned: this week’s recap might be a little cynical and snarky even more cynical and snarky than it normally is.

“Last time on Survivor!” It’s a pretty strong sign that you’re in for a mediocre episode when they spend even more time than normal doing an overly thorough recap of last week’s episode. Maybe they’re just trying to get new viewers up to speed, but I’ve got a sneaky suspicion that Mark Burnett would rather just air last week’s episode over again. Sure, I get the benefit of writing this after having watched the full episode – I’m not going to pretend that I’m writing this real time – so I already know that this episode shit the bed. But way back at the beginning, I had a feeling something was off...

On to some new footage (finally) and the monsoon rains have begun. It’s only night 3 and the Villains are suffering already – shocking, since they seem like such positive people. Coach and Jerri point out that THIS is the real test of Survivor: the mental test, the ability to remain positive when you’re deprived of food and water and shelter. Hmmm, this feels like a little foreshadowing. Or maybe that tingly feeling is déjà vu, since they’ve been pointing out the same damn thing on Survivor since Richard and Rudy were spooning to keep warm on Season 1.

Or maybe the torrential downpour was really Boston Rob’s tears. Rob is pissed that Villains still aren’t pulling their shit together, and he seems to be the only one willing to do the heavy lifting necessary to get the camp ship-shape. Normally I’d be screaming at the TV during such rants, something like “Suck it up whiner boy!” but Rob seems to have a point. Haven’t these people all played this game before? Isn’t this the 3rd tour of duty for some of them? But alas, here they are tearing down the shelter to start from scratch, for what Randy insists is the 4th or 5th redesign. And is it me or is Randy starting to look more and more like Gary Busey every episode? We can only hope he starts going crazy like Gary Busey soon – that could spice things up a little bit.

Meanwhile it’s all sunshine and rainbows at Hero Beach! And in case you forgot just how awesome these people are, Mark Burnett has taken to playing superhero theme music whenever we see them. Life is good: the shelter is built, the wild chickens are plentiful, the fire is delightful, and the Heroes are keeping busy by building a small subdivision for the local indigenous population. Or maybe all this busy work is to keep their minds off the demoralizing loss they suffered in week one. Under the positive facade, it seems Hero Beach might not be Happy Beach, and the survivors are already looking for who to blame – or more accurately who they can shift the target to. Stephenie’s got her eyes on Rupert, saying she sees through his nice-guy facade. Yes, self preservation mode is in full effect for the Heroes...

But if unhappiness is bubbling just under the surface for the Heroes, it’s like a pot of hot steaming shit boiling over for the Villains. Rob is getting more and more frustrated with every hour. And to add to his misery, his health seems to be deteriorating too. So what better way to clear your mind than a little alone time in the jungle? And like a wounded animal going off to die, Rob heads into the bush by himself.

And Rob is down!

Wow shocker - if it wasn’t for the constant television ads over the past week, we never would have seen this coming. Thank goodness Jerri was lingering just behind Rob and she’s here to help. Mind you, she seems strangely lacking of any sort of urgency or concern for having just found her teammate unconscious in the woods. Even when Rob manages to mutter “Go get help,” Jerry turns and walks (WALKS!) back to camp. Seriously? No running? No frantic, heat racing moments? Does this viper have a heart?

Oh thank gawd, here comes Jeff to the resuce! Oh yeah, and some medical help as well. Dr. Dingo and Nurse Kiwi don’t seem too concerned about Rob, and after some back rubbing from Jeff and some free water, Rob is back on his feet. Wait a minute, what’s with the fucking water? Isn’t this Survivor? Ten years ago in season 1, the Survivors were so dehydrated they seriously considered drinking their own pee. Poor Colleen’s legs were covered with so many festering wounds she could barely walk, anthere wasn't a doctor in sight! But now, lie down and fake a tummy ache and we’ll throw you a bottle of Evian. I say suck it up, or ship it out!

Making a miraculous recovery, Rob now has time to reflect on his not-so-near-death experience. Apparently he saw the light during his jungle cat nap – no, not his life flashing before his eyes, but what he has to do to win. Rob is convinced he’s being too nice, and if he’s going to win, then he has to be an asshole. This could be an interesting strategy...

The whining is put on pause for a little while as the Survivors head to the next immunity/reward challenge. It’s another classic challenge - move some boxes, solve the puzzles, stack the boxes, climb to victory. Two Villains have to sit out, and it’s going to be Courtney and Randy. Must be a real confidence boost to know a failing Boston Rob is still better than a full strength you. And for the Heroes, nine-toed Rupert is going to sit.

The Heroes take an early lead again with the physical part of the challenge, making it look like they’ll cruise to victory. Oh, except for the fact that these idiots couldn’t solve an children's easy Sudoku puzzle to save their lives. Tonight the Heroes look just about as coordinated as every friend that’s ever helped me move a couch. I think I actually heard Stephenie yelling “Turn it topwise! TOPWISE!” Meanwhile the Villains again show brains can be more powerful than brawn, by nailing the puzzle. And for the second time in a row the Villains get the Immunity Idol.

With a second loss in a row, James is cranky and he’s letting everyone know. Because that’s what winners do when they lose - they point the finger. Stephenie makes the mistake of being the first to speak up, and James points his bony reaper-finger directly at her.

Winning makes everything better, and the spirits are certainly up at the Villain Beach. Of course the tarp, nails and rope will help, especially for a tribe who couldn’t build an outhouse worth shitting in. And just when things couldn’t get any better, now the Villains are this week's beneficiaries of the Mark Burnett Charity Chicken Release program. Seriously, what’s next? A ship-wrecked fishing trawler? A pod of tasty beached whales? Perhaps a friendly dolphin will lead them to a Long John Silvers just around the point?

James clearly forgot to bring his happy pills to Survivor island, as his vitriol continues back at Hero Beach. He is pissed, and he’s letting everyone know it. But rather than inspiring the tribe to consider how they can add to the team by subtraction, it seems all he’s done is motivate everyone to enter full-on cover-your ass mode. And instead of “How can we get better?” the question has become “Who can I put the target on, to save my own ass?” Tom leads the strategizing with a plan to bring Candice and Cirie into an alliance, by convincing them that they’ll be the next to go. That could save Stephenie, and send Amanda packing. Cirie and Candice have some thinking to do, realizing that they’re the swing votes and that how they vote will affect the long term outcome of this game. Exposing the limits to their strategic thinking, Cirie points out to Candice “Someone has to go next, and as long as it ain’t us, we’re good!” With that strategic thinking, you’re bound to get far in this game...

As we’re left to wonder whether it will be Amanda or Stephenie going home tonight, the Heroes roll into Ewok Village for their 2nd straight tribal council. James decides to take advantage of the Jeff Probst’s Oprah-esque Chatty Hour, and he’s coming out swinging! In case anyone hadn’t heard yet, he believes Stephenie is a curse, who thinks it’s all about her. But it’s not all about her it’s about the team. Except when the team is sucking, and then it’s definitely all about her. Makes sense to me. But Colby, won’t sit idly by, and neither will Tom, as they both stand up to James the bully, and all of a sudden we’re in the middle of an interesting if not dysfunctional tribal council on our hands. The excitement has already moved beyond the pending vote, as clearly we’ve got a tribal civil war on our hands! And with a 6-3 vote, Stephenie is gone and a super Hero battle is brewing.